I have always tried to be a POSITIVE person...but most of the time, my mind easily focus on negative things or negative mindset..and to be honest especially when it comes to love hate relationship...
All the other things in my life goes quite smoothly and easy (study, work, family, friends)...except for love hate relationship (I've been experiencing problems about this since the age of 18 and still could not solve it until now but end up making much more mistakes...:( hope Allah will forgive me for all my wrongdoings....., and hope all the human beings that feel hurt with me forgive me too, I'm sooooooooooo sorry sincerely from the bottom of my heart)
When it comes to a point I've reached suitable age (more than mature enough already) to get marry and start my own family..I always cause my heart pounding very fast, feels like something that I feel so scared to go through but still I could not figure it why...(i didn't lie about this, it's true! I do not know how to explain it to others but there's a shiver feeling I felt inside my heart instead of feeling happy)
I realised now it should be the right moment of time for me to change..but still I could not figure out why I could not take that step..deep inside my heart pounding very fast when it comes to that topic, there's a creepy feeling felt suddenly in my heart..I was speechless when people asked me why I still didn't get marry, seriously I myself do not know how to explain and answer that question...(but I don't feel angry when people asked, cause i think it's normal for people to ask.....it's just a kind of communication)
I know i need to fix things up...I need to fix myself first and overcome that creepy feeling...the only thing I can do the best is to fix and improvise myself and my attitude......that's the only solution left...I might be on a slow train ( just like it takes about 20months to lose 12kgs from my previous weight when I started controlling my eating habit) but I just hope for improvement, improvement that comes from within my own heart..it's my battle to fight to......and I will always pray to Allah to help and guide me through cause as I cannot describe it to human how I feel, I believe only Allah knows it all..and I hope Allah will always keep my heart going strong to go through this changes......
I'm doing this not to prove to anyone that I could change..but i'm doing this just for the sake of my life..I believe that we should not do something to prove to anyone else (even to the makcik2 in my parents neighborhood that complaining to my mom telling that they were worry why I still haven't got marry at the age of 29, thanks a lot for the their concerns, that shows people do care about you)
I'm just want to do this to prove to myself that I could change..and I HAVE ONE BIG FEAR FACTOR THAT I KNOW I MUST OVERCOME FOREVER IN MY LIFE SO THAT I COULD ENJOY MY LIFE BETTER IN FUTURE......
I've been in a few relationship, trying to do everything right but then it when wrong...I tried to maintain positive thinking to it, but then things get far more complicated then I've expected until it comes to a point I've lost my words and confidence....and I don't want it to happen again...
But I know deep inside, its time for me to start changing my mind setting and attitude..there's no way out except I must TRAINED MYSELF TO BE POSITIVE...
I MUST TRAINED MY MIND SETTING TO BE POSITIVE..
I MUST TRAINED MY MIND TO FOCUS ON POSITIVE THINGS INSTEAD OF NEGATIVE THINGS AND STORIES..
I MUST BE STRONG FROM WITHIN, CAUSE IT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN IMPROVE MYSELF..
I MUST GET MORE AND MORE INFO...
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I MUST OVERCOME MY PHOBIA (I have a phobia that I cannot tell here, only some of my close friends knows about this)
AND I MUST PRAY TO ALLAH EVERYDAY..TO HELP ME GO THROUGH THIS CHANGING PROCESS..
AND I BELIEVE IF THERE'S A WILL, THERE MUST BE A WAY....
I hope there's nobody that I know reading my diary..it must be so embarrassing if there's any..i only keep this as a place to keep myself motivated and pour everything that i feel inside...(if there's anyone i know read this, please just read and forget ok...pleaseeee...and just keep it in your heart..)
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