Pening, pening, pening...
Seriously I feel dizzy after reading this book...
When I read this book, it emphasize on communication problems that may arise between male and female in a relationship..
and since the last relationship I had, I had decided to broke up and just left the guy with the last word "ok, sori ganggu" because of the communication problems that arise, reading this book is just like rewinding my cases back......(hahaha......that's the reason why I feel dizzy)
He did try sending a few massages to communicate with me, but I feel he's not trying enough (I'm so hard headed and keras hati also) so I just ignored him
I do want to get marry, but I don't know if I can find someone who can stand my attitudes.....(I tend to be ignorant when I'm really, really, really angry)
In this book, it states that a man will go to it's cave when a problem arise, when the woman wants to talk about it..
Yes, this one happen to me during my previous broken relationship......
An issue came up, it's just a small matter that already settled...but when his mom meet my mom and complained about me not letting his son went to my house for Hari Raya...( I wasn't ready at this moment of time, I just knew him about 2 months, it's not that I won't allow him to come but I just need more time to make myself comfortable with him before allowing him to come to my house)
I've already apologized about it to him, he said he's fine with it....and our relationship went well until this issue came up..
My mom on the other hand looks like blaming me and asking why didn't I let him come. ..
also told me that his mom said " Kenapa intan tak bagi datang raya rumah? A nak datang saja-saja beraya tapi tak berani datang takut nanti bila datang intan tutup pintu"
and of course the moment I knew this from my mom, I just feel I want to exploded....(because that report sounds like an accusation to me)
But then, that night I texted him, telling him I want to ask him something but my mom told me to be nice to people...so I'll asked him tomorrow...(in this book, it states that this is a wrong technique on how you're telling about your feeling to your partner, and yes I did it!!!!!)
He was quite busy that night so he could not reply much and feel weird why I suddenly get angry..
I wrote a pm on fb and sent to him..
a very long message and I can't hardly remember now what I've wrote...
and guess what, he said just sms right away to him if there's anything, and we'll discussed it tomorrow...
and then I've waited patiently for him the next day..and he didn't even fill his promise..
I feel frustrated and sending him sms telling to discuss about this..
He gave excuses that he's not feeling well (actually he's distancing himself, in this book it states that when a men facing a problem, he will go to his own cave until he's ready to talk about it)
and he contacted me back a week later...(a very long time for me to wait for him out from his cave)
after this incident, I was feeling a bit insecure to be with him..I was thinking like, if even a small problem arise it takes about a week for him to recover back, what if a bigger problem arise? How long will it takes?
We did have a few miscommunication problem later then,
and as always everytime I pour what I felt, he will distance himself from me...
and the last time an issue again arise...we had a big fight..
I was speechless at that moment..the only feeling left is exhausted...
(He said he wants to ask his mom and the makcik who bring out this issue)
At that moment, I feel so frustrated and guilty for letting this issue becomes bigger..and at the same time may cause problems to others tooo......
so I stopped talking, cause I'm scared this issue will becoming worse instead of fixing it up...
I planned to fix it without effecting others, I just hope we could settle it between us..
But then, things get hotter and bigger....
and I feel so so so scared.........
I feel I need to distance myself
I feel I need my own space
I feel I need to get out of all this issue and get my emotions stable back..
I leave it fully to Allah, if he's back he's mine
But if he's gone forever out of my life I am just redhaaaaaaa...
I just need some space to get normal back...
yes, it's quite hard to forget him because I have had feelings for him before we broke up...
But I left because I'm not sure if it's worth for me to fight for him..
It was like everybody was pushing me to accept him especially his mom and my mom, but he on the other just no so into me..so how could I be in this kind of relationship?
How long we could survive?
And how we are going to settle problems on our own when every issue arise, it's just like everybody is feeling they want to take part in it...
After that, he gave up...
and I knew my harsh words towards him might cut him deep
and so do his words towards me has cut me deep in my heart..
it's been 8 months already we lose contact..
I don't hope he's coming back just as I hope my first love coming back to me but it didn't happened..
I realised that things that are not coming back are not destined to be mine....
It was such a lesson, a life lesson for me...
I don't know why I've been given this lesson, but I'm sure there's a reason behind it..
i don't know how am I going to get married after I've been going through a few broken relationship..
and whether can I stay in a relationship for the rest of my life...
but I hope Allah will show me the way and the person..
Someone who never gonna let me go even what tides coming...(cause I know how hard headed I am, a commitment-phobe during my younger years in life)
If it's mine, I know that Allah will show me the person...
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