What Am I Doing Right Now?

Being 29 an unmarried is quite challenging especially when going to back to my kampung..
I don't mean to be rude, but sometimes the way they thinks is different from the way I think making me feel quite irritated to entertain people's mouth..

It's not that i don't want to get marry, of course I want to get marry..
I want to have a loving husband, someone who is responsible, treats my parents well and of course the biggest joy and gift from Allah a child..

sometimes when people ask when do I planned to get marry, it's quite hard to answer because of course you don't know what awaits you in the future..
for now i'm planning to prepare the very best for my upcoming life, but still i am redha to any Allah's planning..

My parents are not in good condition now, their health is something that bothering my mind..
so I planned to move back to my hometown in Pendang, Kedah..
After living in a city for quite a long time starting from my working years, i've been living in a city..
with all the comforts and convenience and a lot of choices around, it will be a bit different for me to be living in kampung, but i'm sure i'll be just fine..
and happy too...

and of course I do plan to settle down and i'm sure i will meet the right person once I arrived back to my hometown..
of course, of course...
i'm sure about it..
someone who is going to open my heart and put away all my fears..
what i need to do now is just to sit back and relaxed...
and enjoy the moment of time Allah giving me right now to do what I want in my life..
aminn...
Thank u Allah, thank u Allah and thank u Allah for all the best, best things in life You already gave to me..
Thank U Allah...

Alhamdulillah, I feel gratitude for all the things happen...

"A thankful person is thankful under all circumstances"

My Plan Now..

Now I am looking for a part time business opportunity..called drop shipping
It's quite hard to find a dropshipping business that meet my criteria..
I want a company/person who offers a drop shipping business which can be trusted..
For your information, in drop shipping program, you acts as the agent/middle person between the customer and the business owner..
you get the commission from sales, and the business owner will sent the product to the customer, so it is important to look for a business owner which have a good track record and can be trusted..

For my business of selling kain sulam, i plan to continue doing it since i have quite many customer already and a few of my family who acts as my agent..but for now i need to clear all old stocks first...

All this money is will all be kept for my future expenses, so that when i need it..i have money to use for it..

and for jodoh, I hope if there is still jodoh for me out there, i hope this time it will come in a calm condition..
no more forcing, no more conflicts arises..just plain calmness and well planned..In Shaa Allah...
I really need the calmness....

My TOP 10 WishList...

i'm sure everybody has their own wishlist..
I don't like posting my personal wishlist on facebook..cause it may attracts many unneeded  attention and might also get unnneeded comments...

My Top Ten Wishlist Now..

1. Perfect Love
A perfect loving spouse which will stay together no matter what happens, highly tolerate, take care of his solah, positive attitude, love to tithe, hardworking, very responsible, treat parent with respect, kind hearted, financially very stable...

2. Child
Of course this is a great time to start a family

3. Happy and healthy parents
I hope my parents are healthy and happy..of course I want them to enjoy their life
Hope my mom will be free from cancer soon..and my father get back his lost spirit...

4.Slim
Of couse it's good to maintain good health and as a preparation for wedding and pregnancy and birth journey

5.Sedekah continously
Of course, to maintain good cash flow in our life..we must give first to receive

6. Business is going very well and money keeps pouring in
In Shaa Allah

7. Career
Keep a good track recod of it, maintain it with no problem...

8. Supportive + Kind hearted friends
of couse you need this so much, especially having good girlfriends

9. Good neighbour
A must, we live in society..so having good neighbour is must

10. Health and happiness, and a calm heart
The most precious gift of all...Thank U Allah

Dont' Judge..

Judging is something that we sometimes did with or without intention.

I find it's hard sometimes not to judge people..
and sometimes when you don't judge people, people judge you
if it's a positive judgement, it will makes you happy
but if it's a negative judgement, sometimes it can make us feel angry

I do sometimes get criticized for my behaviour or actions
sometimes i try to be positive about it
but when people tends to take advantage
and keeps on repeating it over and over again..
that's when i'll be exploded

and once exploded, sometimes it's hard for me to get it over in a short time
(it seems like, oh no! this time you already pressed the wrong button)
the only i did is just distance myself away from that person to avoid more negative statements

i read about a status on fb just now about people commented about a girl working
at frontdesk in my village
a person said that she was so "sombong" as she works at frontdesk and rarely put a smile to customer
and many people put on more comments on her
and some of them are quite rude
the status start with a female said this

Minta kwn2 k0men sikit pasal perempuan2 yg jaga kaunter kat pej p0s?

and some of the comments are;
pernah p sekali dan terakhir...servis down...arap muka ja blh buat aset tapi budi bahasa NO...

klu hat jantan 2,krg ajar...xdk bahasa,minta pihak atasan pantau skt...yg pompuan 2...muka selalu msm jerk..lbh krg la

 Dah slalu sgt tgk org komplen pasai kaunter2 kt pjbt pos pendang ni...memg trukla lau mcm tu...keje front desk ni muka kna manis ngan snyuman...

i know all this person may have bad experiences with this girl, but badmouthing her behind her back is not  a right action

it seems like you are publicly insulting other person on fb without her knowing about it (i wonder what it feels if we were on the same condition as this, yess..as we also know that we are humans and always do mistake)

If you are not happy with the services, i think there's  many ways you can express it nicely to that person for at least she knows..

i'm not perfect either, and yes sometimes i do have my own difficult time with some people, and good relationship with other people..i wrote this just from my point of view and if there's anyone out there have different opinion, it's fine..i respect your opinion as your respect mine.......

  

Being Thankful For The Last Broken Relationship...

I wrote this just to make myself feel better..
It's so annoying how my last relationship ends..
I planned to end it nicely, but it ends with blaming each other..
I think both parties hurt not because the relationship doesn't work but the blaming part..

I accepted what has happened and  there are  10 goodness of the broken relationship has brought me

1.Thanks for the broken relationship, it makes me grow stronger

2. Thanks for the broken relationship, it makes me improve myself better

3. Thanks for the broken relationship, I've learned blaming each other doesn't bring us any benefit

4. Thanks for the broken relationship, i bought a book to improve my next relationship

5. Thanks for the broken relationship, I have more time to spend with my family when my parents got sick this year

6. Thanks for the broken relationship, I realized that only forgiveness can heal the resentment and pain

7. Thanks for the broken relationship, I realized that the world is big enough and filled with a lot of fun, hopes, and more cheerfullness

8. Thanks for the broken relationship, I have grow more mature

9. Thanks for the relationship, it makes me becoming more ready for the upcoming future

10. Thanks for the broken relationship, I believe that I deserved to have a happy life and have more time to look for money that I need for my wedding and expenses after wedding.

11. Thanks for the broken relationship, it makes me back on my business back and it's growing well now.

Make All Your Wishes Come True....

These are my top tens desire, which I want to ask from Allah
I read this in a book that by using the Law of Attraction, we can select ten desires from different areas of of your life, such as money, health, home, and relationships, or you might want to choose ten desires in one area you really want to change, such as work or succes.

Write them as though you've received them;

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for my parents and family who is always be with me even how bad I am

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for all money that keeps pouring in through my business

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for the perfect loving soulmate you've sent me

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for the news we are getting married and have a baby

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for tripling my sales this month

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for my health you've given me

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for the unexpected money for my pregnancy and birth expenses in private hospital

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for how easy and effortless my path was

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for all the love I got from people around me

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Allah for finally let me transfer easily to my hometown and be near with all people I love the most

What I Want Now?

I want to get marry and have kids..
Have a loving and blisfull marriage,
benefits both parties..
a meaningfull relationship..
love each other so much...

have kids
with positive birth experiences...(this is must)
loves each other so much
get to spend quality time with them

How To Get Everything In Life

Found this article..and I think it's true and nice info for sharings...
May all of us can benefit from it..

The biggest drag in life seems to be when routine sets in and you lose all sense of purpose. What makes this even worse is when chaos sets in from some area of life, such as with finances, and causes you to feel like you're losing control over everything. Here's how to get back control and accomplish all the things you want to do.

1.Realize what you would like to accomplish and why. Many people these days have a lot of goals but do not actually realize what they truly want in their life. You should not think what you want "from" life, but think what you want "in" life. If you find what you want feelings rather than material possessions, this is the article for you. Simply putting focus on something can greatly increase it's chances in manifesting in your life.

2.Begin with making a column. Within the column list out your current situations and brainstorm pathways to get you on the right road success. Reminder: Getting everything you want cannot be done alone. Gathering support from others is always a brilliant way to get your foot in the door. The sky is the limit, and achieving your dreams is something that we all have the privilege to strive for. For many the dream will be lived, and unfortunately for some failure looms.

Identify Obstacles. Make a second column after the first one. In this column, write down everything that's preventing you from accomplishing that task. Be completely honest. If it's not enough money, write it. If it's not enough time, write it. If there is nothing preventing you from getting something done, write that down. Identifying any obstacles that are preventing you from accomplishing anything is one of the most important elements here. This will serve two purposes - it will highlight all the things you can do that you've just been lazy about (such as laundry), and it will give you an idea on what you need to overcome to get those items crossed off your list. What's important to realize at this point is that the underlying cause is, ultimately, that inaction is the number one thing preventing you from doing all these things. This leads you to the next column.

Formulate a Plan. Make a third column and write down a plan of action now that you know what's preventing you from accomplishing everything you want. The reality is that you have to take action, and without having a plan, you'll just keep spinning your wheels and nothing will get done. If one of your obstacles is not enough money, maybe you can write down ideas on how to make more money, how to spend less money, or how to get a handle on your finances. If there is nothing preventing you from doing something, write down that you need to JUST DO IT! If your goal is "Learn to ride a motorcycle", and not having a motorcycle is what's preventing you, write down "find a friend with a motorcycle" or "save money for a motorcycle". Write down anything that comes to mind.

Put Your Plan Into Action. Now that you have a plan, you need to act on it. It is all up to you at this point.

TIPS

• Understand that the quickest way to a rich life is to want less. Think carefully about what you REALLY want, fast forward and ask yourself what you will want/how you will feel after you accomplish what is on your list. Will you be happier? Are you sure? Happiness comes from within and from how you view the world you find yourself in. You can either change the situation you are in, or change the way you feel about it; those are always your only two choices.
• Resolve to do whatever it takes to get your life in order or accomplish the things you want. If one thing doesn't work, do not give up. Simply reevaluate your plan and make adjustments. Try to find new ideas on how to accomplish the things on your list.
• Utilize External Resources. If you're trying to get your finances in order, enlist the help of a financial advisor, look up articles on how to save money, etc. There are plenty of resources out there that are readily available for free.

Having a nice day and night out with friends..

Yesterday, my girlfriends and me went to a place named Shabu Shabu for dinner
The specialty there is steamboat..
there's a varieties of choice for steamboat there..
very satisfying and recommended for those who love steamboat

and last midnight
we planned to go for movie
the real plan was to watch Tanda Putera
but then when we arrived at Aeon Seksyen 18
there was a lot of people wearing songkok near the ticket counter
and we was.....like feeling weird for a while
and yesssssss.........all that songkok men already bought all tickets for the movie..
the tickets are SOLD OUTTTTTTTTT

Then we changed plan
and just watched Riddick
for me it's quite a weird story....
not recommended for watching (my opinion, it's still up to you if you want to watch the movie)

i believe there's still out there...

Dear Allah,

i believe there's still a "jodoh" for me out there
just let me know by opening my heart to accept him
cause i don't want to waste my time anymore
getting into unfruitful relationship...

just send me the right person
and open my heart to accept him
and please Ya Allah...
this time please, don't let me back off again
i just want to move forward...

Browsing through messages.....

I browsed through old messages (my last one broken relationship which could not be saved)

Then i found that, how the relationship has turned out so fast from sweet, loving and caring to ignorance, harsh and blaming each other..

Yes, it is so sad it has to end in a way we both each other feel so regrets of what happened..
I think we both already tried hard enough, but it finally come to maximum level that we can't control our anger and frustation
Everything exploded....
And of course, it's not only him to be blame about...
I on the other hand did do a lot of mistakes too...

He already started a relationship with someone else..
Yes, it's true in our society male has better chances of finding a spouse faster than female
I wish him all the best (even he does not know about this)

I on the other hand
still hoping to meet my Mr Right
I am no longer in search
But I just pray to Allah to just show me the right person
and open my heart
I just want to let Allah move all the people, the circumstances and events around me to get me to my soulmate
and I hope this one will last forever
I depend solely now only on Allah's help
As for what I've tried has not achieved it's target
We all know only Allah can solve all of our problems, shows us the right path to go through

I love kids
i think the greatest gift from Allah to a woman is the ability to carry a child in her womb
and give birth.. despite all the pain and scariness

I do feel gratefull to Allah for finally gave me the thought of getting into marriage
Before this, i never thought of marriage
Now i've already change my frequency

But i seriously hope
i don't know who is that person
where is he now
how am i going to meet him

But i hope
he is a good Allah's servant
he takes care of his solat 5 times a day
he takes care of the hearts of people around him
he'll be gentle to my parents
be gentle to me
advice me with good advices
fill me with love (i need to fill myself with love too)
keep me strong when i'm weak
love to tithe
quite good looking
financially secure and comfortable (cause i need to support my family, so i hope for someone who is not financially dependant on his wife)

Now i know what i want in my heart right now
I want to be a wife and a mother
Be a strong mother who is strong enough to go through labor process
(either it's normal or caesarean)
eventhough i am a freak

and only Allah can grant me my wishes..
Thank u Allah, thank u Allah, thank u Allah

Reading a manual...and I found that it's true...

I read a manual on relationship...

Man Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

and to tell you the truth, it's true..

how man and woman reacts to problem
and how this misconception can cause us to suffer from relationship problems

Since I been in a relationship last year and already broke up..
it's true that our relationship actually broke up because of this misunderstanding

Yes, it's true sometimes he was so gentle, so caring and warm towards me
and suddenly without a warning, he seems to distance himself away for a while
and when he comes back, it takes a bit longer time for me to warm up with him again...

We went through this cycle for a few times,
until the last time it explodes due to interferences of third party..

I don't know how my next relationship is going to be
and if he comes back
there's a few things need to be resolved
but i don't think he's coming back
cause I heard that he's getting marry this year..
it's up to him
there's no benefit of chasing after him again if he doesn't make the decision to reconcile back with me (hahahaha)
I've already move on a long time ago
already forgive what has happened
but just a bit shy of what has already happened
I don't  think much of him
it's just when i read the manual
i did remember back all the confusions that has happened

now, i'm still reading the manual for better understanding on a man's behaviour
it's true...
we can never be the same..
cause Men Are From Mars, and Women Are From Venus...
hahahaha..........

Be positve...and you will shine like a diamond.....

All negative thoughts in your mind does not harm others except You
It only harms You

So, be positive
Cause all the positive thoughts not only benefits You
It also benefits OTHERS AS WELL.......

Sometimes, it's not all about money...

Duit, duit, duit
Saya tak nafikan saya tergolong dalam golongan yang suka mencari duit
Dengan duit saya boleh menjamin kesejahteraan diri dan keluarga
Dengan duit peluang hidup boleh dinikmati lebih baik
Dengan duit boleh merapatkan silaturrahhim
Dengan duit boleh membantu diri sendiri dan orang lain

Tapi tak semua yang kita lakukan semata-mata kerana duit
Saya sukakan kerjaya saya dan duit yang saya peroleh dari kerja saya
Walaupun kerjaya saya tidaklah memberi kemewahan dunia
Yang saya inginkan seperti yang pernah diimpikan berbelas tahun lalu

Tapi ada satu kepuasan yan lain dalam kerjaya saya
Suatu kepuasan menatap wajah anak-anak yang sedang membesar
Yang dahagakan ilmu
Yang dahagakan kasih sayang dan perhatian

Kadangkala memang kenakalan dan kebiadapan segelintir anak remaja
Mengundang rasa kemarahan dalam hati
Tapi marah saya bukan kerana benci
Marah saya kerana ingin mendidik dan memperbetulkan keadaan
Dan itulah manisnya kerjaya saya
Memberi, memberi dan memberi untuk anak bangsa


Bila memberi, hati lebih bahagia daripada menerima
Terbit kepuasan dalam hati
Bila mana sikap-sikap anak-anak didikku
Berubah ke arah lebih positif
Mengajar memang mudah
Tapi mendidik lebih payah
Namun manisnya mendidik lebih indah

It's true..so true..
Sometimes, it's not all about money...
But it doesn't mean I cannot find more money
There's a lot of ways u can find money

Ya Allah...Permudahkanlah

Ya Allah..
Sesungguhnya aku bermohon padaMu
Hanya engkau yang tahu jawapan bagi setiap persoalan

Ya Allah
Kau permudahkanlah jodohku
Bukakanlah pintu hatiku
Seluas-luasnya
Bukakanlah Ya Allah
Bukakanlah Ya Allah
Bukakanlah Ya Allah

Permudahkanlah Ya Allah

"Tuhanku, permudahkanlah dan janganlah engkau sukarkan kerana Engkaulah Yang Maha memudahkan segala yang susah adalah mudah bagiMu
Ya Allah, sempurnakanlah dengan kebaikan, dengan rahmatMu Ya Arhamar Rahimin"

My Biggest Wish This Year..

I want to get marry and have kids...

and of course I need a guy with willpower...
please Ya Allah, do grant me my wish...
and my parents wish too...

Saya sendiri tak pasti kenapa..
tahun ni saya asyik terfikir pasal kawin ja..
sebelum ni saya tak la jenis yang terlalu fikir sangat tentang soal kawin..
masa tahun 2008, 2009, 2010 saya tak nafikan isu kawin ni timbul..
ramai kawan-kawan zaman belajar dulu mula mendirikan rumah tangga
dan rumah saya mula dibanjiri kad kawin kawan-kawan
tapi saya sendiri tak pernah fikir soal kawin
ada yang datang merisik tapi disebabkan hati saya belum terbuka
dan saya tahu saya belum sedia memikul tanggungjawab menjadi isteri dan ibu
maka saya menolak untuk berkahwin dengan alasan tidak bersedia..
ditambah pula dengan keadaan diri yang tiada steady boyfriend
memang langsung tak terlintas di fikiran masa tu

Saya pernah bincang dengan seorang kawan saya tentang isu kahwin ni
Kebetulan dia pun sama seperti saya
Tak terlintas mengenai isu kahwin dalam kepala
sampai kami terfikir "normal tak kami ni?" (hahahaha..terukkan?)

Tak dinafikan hidup bujang memang seronok
Apatah lagi bila ada duit sendiri
Tapi saya bersyukur masa saya bujang
Banyak masa saya dimanfaatkan bersama keluarga (terutamanya mak dan ayah)

Tapi sekarang seolah-olah sudah sampai seru
Lagipun saya sendiri sudah kasihan mendengar mak ayah meminta saya berkahwin
Sebelum ni hajat mak dan ayah nak ke Mekah
dan hajat tu dah tercapai bila mak dan ayah dapat menunaikan umrah awal tahun ini
Mak dan ayah cakap hajat seterusnya ialah teringin nak tengok saya kahwin
Saya buat dengar tak dengar je bila ayah cakap
Tetapi sebenarnya dalam diam-diam saya rasa sebak bila ayah cakap macam tu
Terfikir dalam hati, macam manala saya nak tunaikan hasrat ayah
Sedangkan calonnya pun saya belum ada
Dan selepas putus cinta kali kelima, saya memang pernah menangis teresak-esak sorang-sorang sebab saya sedih sangat
Saya rasa saya dah mencuba sedaya upaya tapi tetap gagal
Saya rasa cemburu melihat orang lain yang mudah saja jalan percintaannya menuju ke perkahwinan dan akhirnya ada keluarga yang bahagia
Lebih cemburu lagi bila tengok baby-baby yang comel (walaupun bila terfikir tentang bersalin ada terselit perasaan takut)

Jadi saya secara tak langsung saya buat persediaan diri
Saya beli buku tentang pregnancy 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting"
sebagai persediaan mental dan pengetahuan
Saya beli buku tentang perhubungan
Saya cuba positifkan minda tentang perkahwinan
Saya cari maklumat tentang apa yang perlu dibuat bila tahu kita dah mengandung dan sebagainya
Saya tanya pengalaman kawan-kawan yang dah melaluinya
Sebab saya tahu perkara pertama yang saya inginkan dari sebuah perkahwinan
Ialah baby yang comel, walau macam mana takut sekalipun saya nak menghadapi proses kelahiran nanti

Saya sendiri rasa saya sudah bersedia dari segi fizikal, mental, emosi dan kewangan untuk berkahwin dan mampu menghadapi cabaran berumahtangga dan bertolak ansur dalam rumah tangga
Oleh itu, saya harap tahun ni Allah temukan dan permudahkanlah urusan jodoh saya
Mungkin ini yang dikatakan orang maksud "sudah sampai seru"
Sampai satu tahap kita rasa kita sudah bersedia untuk ke arah itu
Cuma saya mohon Allah tetapkanlah hati saya untuk berkahwin walau apa jua cabaran dan rintangannya sebelum saya kahwin
Dan kali ni setelah gagal juga dalam perhubungan untuk kali kelima
Saya memang bertekad dalam hati
Saya ingin berkahwin dan mempunyai anak sendiri
Oleh itu, kalau ada pinangan dari lelaki yang baik tahun ini
In Shaa Allah saya akan terima
dan saya tak akan berfikir kedua kali lagi dah
Cukuplah apa yang telah saya harungi dulu
Impian-impian palsu yang tidak kesampaian
Saya tak mahu lagi menoleh ke belakang dan melihat masa silam

Saya ingin bergerak ke hadapan
Menghadapi segala cabaran, rintangan dan kebahagiaan
Apa pun yang berlaku selepas ini saya anggap sebagai sedikit ujian untuk mencapai kebahagiaan dan kepuasan hidup
Saya berazam kali ini saya akan terus berjuang ke hadapan
Meninggalkan masa-masa silam yang tidak kesampaian
Membina kehidupan baru dengan penuh semangat dan kebahagiaan
Cuma saya mohon sekarang pada Allah
Temukanlah saya dengan cinta sejati, jodoh peneman hidup yang terbaik
Sesungguhnya saya berserah dan memohon hanya padaNya

Saya juga berharap moga penyakit kanser mak saya sembuh
Dan ayah juga semakin sihat (ayah diserang strok bulan Jun lalu)
Dan moga rezeki adik saya dan isterinya makin melimpah ruah
Moga saya juga Allah beri kesihatan yang baik
Agar boleh saya jaga diri saya sendiri sebaiknya dan
jaga orang lain
Dan bahagiakanlah kehidupan kami
Serta limpahkanlah rahmat dan rezekimu buat kami

Permudahkanlah Ya Allah

p/s : Saya suka menulis sebab saya rasa dengan menulis, saya mengekspresikan semua perasaan dan keinginan saya..
Moga segala impian jadi kenyataan

My past wishlist that already accomplished...

1) Pass all exams UPSR, PMR and SPM with flying colours - done (yearssssss ago)
2) Entering university - done (even the way is distracted from it's original plan)
3) Looking for life and work experiences - done (worked since 16 years old, during university time i did work to collect money own my own (on holidays), even save some of my ptptn during my studying time for my saving so that i do have some money when i started working)
4) Get job right after graduating - done
5) Start saving money and helping parents right after starts working - done and still doing it
6) Enjoy my worklife, do the best that i could - done and still fighting to do it
7) Enjoy having vacations with friends (I rarely went for vacation when I was a child and a teenager, so this is one of my wish when i enter my worklife) - alhamdullillah, got it
8) Secure my financial for myself
9) Help my parents financially
10) Accompanied parents when hospitalized - this is my responsibility as a child, and alhamdulillah Allah gave me this chance

Not in my wishlist or mind but accomplished

1) Fall in love for the first time at the age of 18 (but broke up later)
Really a challenging and memorable experience that taught me a lot about love, tolerance, patience, boys,life-test, heart broken, frustration, and seeking the guidance of Allah......
2) Been in relationship 5 times already but still not even one happens to end with marriage
3) Got APC in less than 4 years working - alhamdullillah, feeling gratefull for this even though i never thought of it
4)Bought myself a house
I never imagined i can buy a house, when i started working i always wondering how did people managed to buy a house since it is really a big commitment to pay for..but then, allah made it's way for me..finally i have my own house..

This year wish list needed to accomplished

1) I hope my mom heal from cancer
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer early this year, now she's getting treatment to cure it..
She already had her cancerous cell removed from her breast this June, now she will be starting her radiotherapy treatment..
Luckily for us she didn't need to undergo chemotherapy treatment since her cancer was detected early...
as for financial support for her treatment, we didn't have to worry much even cancer treatment could be very expensive..
we could use GL since I am a government servant (my dad is pesara, and my brother also a government servant)
the treatment is quite good, even though you might need to wait a bit because there are so many people going to get treatment too..but so far, everything's went well...alhamdulillah

2) I wish i meet my soulmate soon and getting marry this year
For the first time in my life, i wish to get marry asap..
I don't know why, but it feels like i need to start thinking about myself and starting my own family
and of course I do wish I will have a baby asap right after i got marry..
I'll be 30 next year (on July) so this is the right time for me to start having a family
i want to get marry cause i want to fill myself with love..
i want someone to love and to be loved
i want children to be loved...
please Ya Allah, meet me with the right person so that i could accomplish this

My wishlist that not accomplished

) Continue master education and complete it before the age of 30
This one seems need to be postponed, since my biggest thought now is to get marry and have kids..
Please Ya Allah, i do wish i meet my soulmate as soon as possible..
so that i could start having my own family as soon as possible too......ameennnnnnnn

Working since the age of 16 years old..this is where I am right now..thank u Allah..

I did not know if there's anybody out there who did share the same experience as mine..

I was born in a very simple family...
there are only four of us in our family..ayah, mak, me and my brother who is already married by now..

We had a very sedentary lifestyle...
no vacation during holiday, no birthday celebration (I used to get sad when I was a child when I saw my friends were celebrating their birthday, but now it's not a big deal)
all that my parent provide us is education and my mom always said that the best thing they could give us is education..

So I've become a very hardworking students during my school days..
My aim is to get the best results that I could achieve...
Cause I want a better life..
The life I've been dreaming about...able to get all the things I want on my own..
I study so hard and managed to pass all the big exams in my life with flying colours..
My UPSR is 4A's (at that time, year 1996), my PMR is 8A's and managed to get through SPM with 9A's
I did get a scholarship after SPM but I rejected the offer due to a few issue arises..

Since money is one of major problem in my family, I tried as much as I could so that I don't have to have money problems when I'm adult..
I worked since the age of 16..all day long from 9 am to 6 pm and that moment of time I was only getting paid RM350 permonth..but I managed to to keep some of the money for my educational purpose..
That was the best experience ever in my life..
Despite learning about working at a very young age (I do have a fewschool  friends who had same experience as me), I also learned on how to communicate with people during my younger working days..
That experience changes me from timid, shy young girl to a better person..
I made friends with older people (still in contact until now)
but on the same time I keep on studying..with the remembrance in my mind that I want to be better...

Now, I've achieved a very stable life..
More rezeki is coming in..it might not be as much compared with others who had bigger salary, but most importantly I feel blessed with all the sustenance Allah has given me..
and I know the rezeki is more blessed when shared with others..
cause I believe that all that we had will be more meaningfull when it is shared..
especially when we use some part of it to help others who is less fortunate..

I believe the rezeki that Allah give will be more than enough for everyone when it is shared..
The sharing moment makes it more meaningfull...
We GIVE to RECEIVE...
The more we GIVE, the MORE that we'll be receive..
and all the good and barakah rezeki coming from Allah is to be shared among us...

How I was an idiot during all those few years before..
very stingy...feeling that all the rezeki is all mine....
and thank u Allah for enlighten my heart and make me realise how good and gratefull it feels when all the rezeki is shared among us...

SPREAD THE LOVE, AND THE LOVE WILL BE COMING BACK TO U...

Alhamdulillah..Thank U Allah, Thank U Allah, Thank U Allah...

Thank U so much Allah for filling my day with love today...
I felt so gratitude for what you've been given to me through this day and through my entire life..
Thank u so much Allah..
looking back for what I've went through I never thought one day I could be as bless as now Ya Allah..

Thanks for all those happy moments with my family
and I believe there are more to come in my life...

Thank u, thank u, thank u so much Allah..

and today I do not know why,
but I could feel just like love is in the air..
it seems like my love, my soulmate is looking for me
feels like he's yearning for me (but I don't know who is he)
and I could feel it, (hahahahaha)
deeply inside my heart (semua orang pernah rasa perasaan rindu kan? saya rasa dirindui seseorang, hahahaha..seriously, i know this might sound crazy...but it's true I feel it)
I know this might sound ridiculous to anybody who read this..
But it's true...
I could feel it..
and it is very strong..
until I could not deny this feeling...
and I couldn't help myself thinking
this is very weird
Why I feel this way Ya Allah?
Give me the answer..
I believe that only You Ya Allah have the answer
as You are the guardian of human's heart..

and again Thank U so much Ya Allah...

Let's Use Our Positive Minds.......

After reading the book The Secrets, this idea came across my head...

I dreamed of winning a Grand Livina...

so, I use my mind and imagine I'll win a Nissan Grand Livina..
and being gratefull for winning that..

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for Allah the winning...


let's see if this is going to work...

Luahan Hatiku......

Ya Allah Tuhan Yang Maha Pengampun Lagi Maha Penyayang
Aku bermohon kepadaMu Ya Allah
Kau berikanlah aku petunjuk jodoh dan jalan hidup yang terbaik untuk diriku
Sesungguhnya aku berserah, aku memohon, aku meminta hanya padaMu
Hanya Engkau Ya Allah yang tahu apa yang terbaik bagi setiap hamba-hambaMu

Kau permudahkanlah jalan hidupku
Kau permudahkanlah jodohku
Temukanlah aku dengan cinta sejati jodoh peneman hidup yang terbaik untukku
Bukakanlah pintu hatiku ini seluas-luasnya takkala aku bertemu dengannya
Percepatkanlah jodohku
Rahmatilah kami
Dan kekalkanlah hubungan kami hingga ke Jannah Ya Allah walau apa jua berlaku

Jadikanlah kami saling mengasihi
Jadikanlah kami saling menyokong
Jadikanlah kami saling mencintai
Jadikanlah kami saling menghormati
Jadikanlah kami saling menguatkan
Jadikanlah kami saling mengingati
Jadikanlah kami saling menginsafi
Jadikanlah kami saling menghiburkan
Segala-galanya atas kehendak dan redhaMu Ya Allah
Kerana kami sama-sama bercinta untuk mendapat redhaMu Ya Allah

Lapangkan dan tenangkanlah hatiku ini takkala aku bertemu jodohku Ya Allah
Agar aku yakin dan tahu dialah jodohku

Aku ingin menikmati hidup bahagia berkeluarga
Bercinta seumur hidup hingga ke syurga
Mempunyai anak-anak yang pintar dan cerdas
Soleh dan solehah
Bahagia bercinta demi syurgamu Ya Allah

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.....

please Ya Allah, give me a highly tolerate person...

Dwelling On The Past...

Suddenly my mind flying,
Thinking on a past experience...
I don't know lately why i've been thinking about this...
The Past Is Experience, Learn From It...

LISA NICHLOS
It's working as much as you're thinking. Any time your thoughts are flowing, the law of attraction is working.
When you're thinking about the past, the law of attraction's working. 
When you're thinking about the present or future, the law of attraction is working.
It's ongoing process.
You don't press pause, you don't press stop.
It is forever in action, as your thoughts are...........

Misi Kumpul Duit Untuk My Future Plan...

There are a few mission I need to accomplish in my life...

The main one now is to get marry and have adorable, lovable, cute children..
I wish I will get marry next year.....

Before this, my main target is to stabilise my financial...
I've been thinking about this since the age of 18..
I've crossed a lot of things to do in my list already..
Now my biggest wish i to get marry and have kids...

Even though I still haven't found my mr right.......
But i'm sure it's coming towards me now...and it's coming nearer, nearer and nearer
An eternal love...
something worth......

"Fill yourself with love, and love all around will come to you"
 "Imagine yourself live with abundance, and it will comes to you"

Why Do You Want To Get Married?

I don't know the exact reason why should I get marry cause I don't know how to fall in love again..

The only reason left is

If Allah sends someone to me, the only reason I married him is because of Allah
I will treat him nice because of Allah
I will try to survive and enjoy the marriage because of Allah
I will try to accept and give because only because of Allah
That's the only reason I can think of right now...
Because you don't meet a person without a reason..
You meet them because they are meant to cross your path...

My parent are asking me to get marry, but I didn't know who and where is the right person..
I don't know how will I get marry, but I believe Allah will solve it for me..

After a few days of thinking, now I know and understand why I want to get marry..
it's not because you scared of people's perception
it's not because you scared you'll be alone when you are old..
it's not because you want someone to take care and responsible about you..
It's just because I want to fill myself and my life with LOVE.......LOVE.....and LOVE...
love that will bring us to jannah..
In shaa Allah

How to Fall In Love Again.....and How to Make People to Fall In Love

How am I going to fall in love again?

This question suddenly keep lingering in my head...

I have no answer to it, but i did try to fall in love but the more i tried the more it seems to went away..
and when it went away i never chase it back..

Cause for me, love is something so pure..
You don't need to chase it..
If it's yours, then it will be yours...

I remember the first time I fell in love...
my very first love story...
I don't know why I love him...
but sure not for his only good looking figure...

Saya cintakan dia bukan kerana rupanya..
Saya cintakan dia kerana dialah satu-satunya lelaki yang tidak meninggalkan saya semasa saya dalam kesusahan
Saya cintakan dia kerana dia mengambil berat
Saya cintakan dia kerana dia sentiasa ada semasa saya perlukan walaupun saya tak minta kehadiran dia
Saya cintakan dia kerana dia tak pernah marah apabila saya marah dia untuk berubah ke arah kebaikan
Saya cintakan dia kerana saya nampak sikap dan perubahannya ke arah kebaikan
Saya cintakan dia kerana saya yakin dia mampu berubah
Saya cintakan dia kerana dalam hatinya terdorong untuk mencari kebaikan
Saya cintakan dia kerana disebalik kekasaran dia tersembunyi kelembutan hati seorang insan
Saya cintakan dia kerana Allah
Kerana saya yakin Allah pertemukan kami untuk membawa kebaikan ke dalam diri masing-masing
Dialah yang mengajar saya erti kehidupan
Menghilangkan rasa takut dan bimbang
Menunjukkan kasih sayang tidak berbelah bahagi
Membuatkan saya percaya ada lelaki baik di dunia ini

Saya ingat pernah satu malam dia perhatikan saya dari jauh, menunggu saya menghadiri jamuan sampaila saya selamat masuk ke blok..

I still remember the last message I've sent him

"Good luck in your future life"
"May succes comes along with u wherever u go and sorry for everything"

It's a sincere wish as a token of grattitude for his kind acts towards me..
For taking care of me when others are insulting me and humiliating me...

Rasa Pening Sebab Baca Buku Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus......

Pening, pening, pening...
Seriously I feel dizzy after reading this book...
When I read this book, it emphasize on communication problems that may arise between male and female in a relationship..

and since the last relationship I had, I had decided to broke up and just left the guy with the last word "ok, sori ganggu" because of the communication problems that arise, reading this book is just like rewinding my cases back......(hahaha......that's the reason why I feel dizzy)

He did try sending a few massages to communicate with me, but I feel he's not trying enough (I'm so hard headed and keras hati also) so I just ignored him
I do want to get marry, but I don't know if I can find someone who can stand my attitudes.....(I tend to be ignorant when I'm really, really, really angry)

In this book, it states that a man will go to it's cave when a problem arise, when the woman wants to talk about it..
Yes, this one happen to me during my previous broken relationship......
An issue came up, it's just a small matter that already settled...but when his mom meet my mom and complained about me not letting his son went to my house for Hari Raya...( I wasn't ready at this moment of time, I just knew him about 2 months, it's not that I won't allow him to come but I just need more time to make myself comfortable with him before allowing him to come to my house)
I've already apologized about it to him, he said he's fine with it....and our relationship went well until this issue came up..

My mom on the other hand looks like blaming me and asking why didn't I let him come. ..
also told me that his mom said " Kenapa intan tak bagi datang raya rumah? A nak datang saja-saja beraya tapi tak berani datang takut nanti bila datang intan tutup pintu"
and of course the moment I knew this from my mom, I just feel I want to exploded....(because that report sounds like an accusation to me)

But then, that night I texted him, telling him I want to ask him something but my mom told me to be nice to people...so I'll asked him tomorrow...(in this book, it states that this is a wrong technique on how you're telling about your feeling to your partner, and yes I did it!!!!!)
He was quite busy that night so he could not reply much and feel weird why I suddenly get angry..

I wrote a pm on fb and sent to him..
a very long message and I can't hardly remember now what I've wrote...
and guess what, he said just sms right away to him if there's anything, and we'll discussed it tomorrow...
and then I've waited patiently for him the next day..and he didn't even fill his promise..
I feel frustrated and sending him sms telling to discuss about this..
He gave excuses that he's not feeling well (actually he's distancing himself, in this book it states that when a men facing a problem, he will go to his own cave until he's ready to talk about it)

and he contacted me back a week later...(a very long time for me to wait for him out from his cave)
after this incident, I was feeling a bit insecure to be with him..I was thinking like, if even a small problem arise it takes about a week for him to recover back, what if a bigger problem arise? How long will it takes?

We did have a few miscommunication problem later then,
and as always everytime I pour what I felt, he will distance himself from me...
and the last time an issue again arise...we had a big fight..
I was speechless at that moment..the only feeling left is exhausted...
(He said he wants to ask his mom and the makcik who bring out this issue)
At that moment, I feel so frustrated and guilty for letting this issue becomes bigger..and at the same time may cause problems to others tooo......
so I stopped talking, cause I'm scared this issue will becoming worse instead of fixing it up...
I planned to fix it without effecting others, I just hope we could settle it between us..
But then, things get hotter and bigger....
and I  feel so so so scared.........
I feel I need to distance myself
I feel I need my own space
I feel I need to get out of all this issue and get my emotions stable back..
I leave it fully to Allah, if he's back he's mine
But if he's gone forever out of my life I am just redhaaaaaaa...
I just need some space to get normal back...
yes, it's quite hard to forget him because I have had feelings for him before we broke up...
But I left because I'm not sure if it's worth for me to fight for him..
It was like everybody was pushing me to accept him especially his mom and my mom, but he on the other just no so into me..so how could I be in this kind of relationship?
How long we could survive?
And how we are going to settle problems on our own when every issue arise, it's just like everybody is feeling they want to take part in it...

After that, he gave up...
and I knew my harsh words towards him might cut him deep
and so do his words towards me has cut me deep in my heart..
it's been 8 months already we lose contact..
I don't hope he's coming back just as I hope my first love coming back to me but it didn't happened..
I realised that things that are not coming back are not destined to be mine....
It was such a lesson, a life lesson for me...
I don't know why I've been given this lesson, but I'm sure there's a reason behind it..

i don't know how am I going to get married after I've been going through a few broken relationship..
and whether can I stay in a relationship for the rest of my life...
but I hope Allah will show me the way and the person..
Someone who never gonna let me go even what tides coming...(cause I know how hard headed I am, a commitment-phobe during my younger years in life)
If it's mine, I know that Allah will show me the person...

Why I Feel This Way?????

Lately I was wondering, why i feel this way???
Feel like something is going to happen...

Why, why, why....
Feel that it's coming nearer, nearer, nearer, and nearer.........
I don't know why...
But I seriously can feel it deep inside my heart...
Can our instinct be true?
I can tell people how do I feel, but seriously I feel that something is going to happen...

Dear Ya Allah....
Please Ya Allah.....
what is going to happen?????
Please make my heart going strong...and happy...

Pernah tak terdengar cerita tentang Scary Birth Story???

Hahahaha...
tajuk ni memang agak kelakar kan..
Sebenarnya terlintas nak tulis kat sini sebab memang selalu sangat saya dengar cerita2 horror tentang bersalin ni daripada kawan2 sekerja lebih2 lagi yang senior..

Saya takla nak komen kesahihan cerita tu,
cuma cara penceritaan tu kadang2.....mak aih kalau dengar rasa mcm nak pengsan..scary gila2...
(it cause my nerves and muscle shaking...grrrrrr......and thinking...why is it so horrible?????)

Baru-baru ni saya melawat kawan yang baru bersalin, she's a doctor and she got a baby boy...so small, cute baby boy..
Congratulations dear...
Since we've been friends since sekolah menengah, I don't feel shy asking and she doesn't mind telling her experience...

and after I've listened to hear story, what I can tell you is that it's not so horrible..
It's quite calm...and I think i can managed to get through it one day..

I was thinking like " oooo......nasib baik..takla seseram yang diceritakan mcm orang lain"

There's quite a lot of question I've asked her..
such as how do you feel during labor?
can you walk after labor?
how do you feel during episiotomy and stitching process?

Dan semua jawapannya menyenangkan..takla seteruk yang dibayangkan oleh cerita2 sebelum ni...thank God...hahaha...Alhamdulillah...

and then I was thinking, why am I writing about this???
Is it also a sign that I'm preparing myself to go through it????.....hhhmmmmmm........
the instinct is going strong....
I seriously feel something is going to happen....and feel so weird at the same time toooo..........

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus...........

I bought this book yesterday, during a nice outing with my bff...
Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus..
I seriously never thought that one day I would buy this kind of book..
really, really never in my mind..

I used to be a single woman, jovial, enjoying the every moment of my life....
Going on vacation, enjoying my worklife, enjoying my life with friends around....but my love life quite sucks.......(hahahaha since the age of 18)
But after going through a broken relationship, it such a lesson for me, giving me the signal that I should work on something on it and understand about it before going through another relationship......

For at least it helps me to get prepared with any conflicts that may arise....
No relationship is sunny all the day, sometimes rain does coming...and sometimes even hurricane coming...
I always back off when hurricane coming, (my worst habit ever.......huhuhu) 
But seriously, before this it was never crossed my mind on how to read this kind of book...
How time flies and how I've changed......

This book originally written in English, but I bought the one which is already translated in BM..it cost RM35 only...
Buying books is worth for me, as it provide me with  knowledge, I can also use the receipt to reduce my incometax....(hahahaha.....2 in 1 purpose)

it explains the differences between men and women and how both part  respond with stress..
when I read this, I found out that it's true..(it happened in my previous relatioship with this guy)
Men always think that women are complicated, and women also think that men are complicated..
Actually that happens due to the difference between men and women...
The more we understand about it, the less we feel stressed about it......

I do not know why, but I've got an instinct that something is going to happen...
It's coming near..and I don't know why I have this kind of feeling...
Weird isn't it?
So guys, do you believe in instinct?????????
Hhhmmmmmmmmm............

WEIRD, RIGHT ??????

The Secret Book.......

This is the book I've been reading lately..
Actually it's my brother's book given to him by my sister in law..
So i borrow this from them for a while

I still haven't finished reading this book, only read half of it after a week reading it..
Cause I have a habit of getting sleepy after reading a few pages of it...hahahaa......but still I want to read it until I finish it..
This book is really interesting cause it teach us how to use our mind to get what we want in our life..

It teach us on how we could use the power of gratutide and visualization to improve our life and get what we want..
the price might be a costly for a book, but I think it's worth buying..
You can do experiment on your own and see if you can truly use your mind of getting what you want in your life..
We always know what we want in our heart right..so what is the correct way we can get it by using our mind?
I guess I should dream of winning a Nissan Grand Livina next month....hahahaha..what a wild2  dream...

read this book, and I'm sure you'll be impressed of how our minds can get us what we want...

Competing with Ourselves......

We always compete in life..
During school days, we compete to get good grades..
During sports day, we compete to become first winner..
With friends, we compete who is the best of all
We keep on trying to achieve what we want..

But I think the most important thing of all is we need to keep in our mind that the person we are competing against should be ourselves..

I have a few barrier in my life that I should passed through..
I did try but sometimes, I just can't get through
But sometimes, I did try and I can get through....

Still have a lot of things I need to get through...
Sometimes I asked myself, what should I do?

ASK...BELIEVE..RECEIVE

Ask first what you want..
Believe that what you want belongs to you...
Feel that you receive it.....

Since this is my personal blog, my very own personal place where I poured all my dreams, all my feelings and all my effort......hope nobody get's offended with what I wrote..

ASK

I want a loving soulmate so that I can love him back, never leave his solat expecially Subuh,sekufu or better so that we can plan things together, quite good looking,  someone who love to tithe (one special request),someone who respect my parent and i will respect his parent too, someone who I can discuss with when problem arises, someone who took action and responsible, someone who could laugh with me, cry with me and jokes with me and laugh with my jokes.....and plus more CARINGGGGG.....hahahaha...i'sm such a dreamer...DREAM, DREAM, DREAM

Just let my soul fly looking for it's mate.....and when my soul finds its mate.....I believe that I will truly know who is he......Even others might not believe it, but that's not a big deal as long as I believe....

I want to live in abundance, and keep on giving tithe as long as I could..consistently...helping the truly inneed people.....save something for my saham in heaven.....

I want to have beautiful children, lovable, adorable, cute, naughty but nice, soleh and solehah...hahahaha


BELIEVE

I believe I have a loving soulmate so that I can love him back, never leave his solat expecially Subuh,sekufu or better so that we can plan things together, quite good looking,  someone who love to tithe (one special request),someone who respect my parent and i will respect his parent too, someone who I can discuss with when problem arises, someone who took action and responsible, highly tolerate, someone who could laugh with me, cry with me and jokes with me and laugh with my jokes.....and plus more CARINGGGGG.....hahahaha...i'm such a dreamer...DREAM, DREAM, DREAM

Just let my soul fly looking for it's mate.....and when my soul finds its mate.....I believe that I will truly know who is he......Even others might not believe it, but that's not a big deal as long as I believe....

I believe I live in abundance, and keep on giving tithe as long as I could..consistently...helping the truly inneed people.....save something for my saham in heaven.....

I believe I have beautifull children, lovable, adorable, cute, naughty but nice, soleh and solehah...hahahaha

RECEIVE

and I know and feel I'm going to receive it.......YES...it will happen...

p/s I also dream I'll win a Nissan Grand Livina this year.....and I believe I will receive it......hahahaha...

Forgive me for what I wrote..I'm just wanna dreammmm....dreammmm.....dreammmmmmm........and get what I dreamed about.....

Pernah Baca Tak Buku The Secrets?

It's all about DREAM..DREAM..DREAM...

I am reading a book just now, the title is "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrnes..
Maybe a lot of us have already read this book which taught us the power of our own mind and how to use it to attract things that we want in our life..

I love this quote
" Our job as human is to hold on the thoughts of what we want, make it absolutely clear in our minds what we want, and from that we start to invoke one of the greatest Laws in the Universe, and that's the law of attraction. You become what you think about most, but you also attract what you think about the most"

Your life right now is a reflection of your past thought. That includes all the great things, and all the things you consider not so great. Since you attract to you what you think about the most, it is easy to see what your dominant thoughts have been on every subject of your life, because that is what you have experienced. Until now! Now you are learning The Secret, and with this knowledge, you can change everything...

What am I thinking right now?
It's my secret..hahahahaha.......

Pengalaman Kelima...

Hubungan kali kelima dengan seorang lelaki bernama A..(hahahaha)
Ini pun kes dimatch make oleh orang juga..
Memang masa mula-mula saya dimatch make, saya menolak sebab saya merancang nak mohon bertukar balik ke negeri k atas permintaan mak saya (tiap-tiap kali permohonan pertukaran, mak minta saya isi mohon balik dekat dengan rumah, masa ni dah 5 kali isi permohonan tapi tak dapat-dapat)
Lelaki A ni bekerja dan tinggal memang jauh dari negeri K, dan memang kerjaya dia tak akan membolehkan dia bertukar ke mana-mana sebab dia orang business..
Jadi sebab tu saya pada mulanya menolak, sebab terang-terangan tiba-tiba perancangan asal saya akan berubah 360 darjah...
Saya merancang bertukar balik ke negeri K atas permintaan mak tapi pada masa yang sama saya dimatch make dengan orang yang macam ni...
So, benda pertama yang terlintas dalam fikiran saya masa tu?
Kenapa Allah temukan saya dengan dia?

Tapi akhirnya saya layankan juga mamat ni atas nasihat keluarga saya (mak ayah)
Saya cuba kenal dulu dengan mamat ni..
Mula-mula kenal hubungan kami agak mesra..walaupun saya takut nak layan lelaki ni tapi saya cuba juga sedaya upaya..
Kami pernah jumpa sekali atas permintaan lelaki ni..
Masa kali pertama jumpa, fizikal lelaki ni betul-betul mengingatkan saya pada first love saya..
Orangnya tinggi, kurus dan senyuman dia menyebabkan saya teringat pada first love saya (hahahaha, but my first bf was fair skinned, this one is dark...very dark hahahaha..i hope he's not feeling offenced if he knows this)
I fell in love again....lalalala.......

Cuma masalah utama hubungan saya dan dia adalah komunikasi..
Banyak pihak-pihak yang masuk campur..
Beberapa kali kami bergaduh dan pernah sekali saya minta undur diri sebab saya confuse  sangat2 nak teruskan hubungan atau nak stay dengan perancangan asal untuk mohon tukar balik ke Negeri K..

dan setiap kali saya dan dia ada masalah, yang paling tak seronoknya mak kami masing-masing masuk campur..(huhuhu..syokkan...i kena marah ngan mak i la)
dan kadang-kadang statement yang keluar seolah-olah menyalahkan saya seorang saja..
Saya jadi sensitif, terasa hati dan emosi saya jadi tak stabil..
Dan setiap kali ada masalah dan saya cuba berbincang dengan A
A akan menjauhkan diri dan tak pedulikan mesej daripada saya selama berhari-hari dan kadang-kadang seminggu
( I feel like he is distancing himself when problems arises, try to think positive..but i'm just plain human..when there's hard moment, you feel to need to discuss it out, and he just ignore..so what do you think? eksen kan)
Pernah sekali gara-gara terlambat balas mesej kerana keluar dengan kawan, (saya ada mohon maaf cakap terlambat balas mesej sebab keluar dengan kawan)
A macam merajuk dan tak nak bercakap
Sepatah ditanya, sepatah dijawab..
Dua tiga mesej pertanyaan yang saya hantar..A hanya jawab sepatah-sepatah saja..macam malas nak layan
Kemudian saya minta diri nak mandi dan solat..
Selepas itu, A tidak hubungi saya untuk 2 minggu..heran saya masa ni..
Saya tertanya-tanya apa salah saya?
Tup-tup lepas tu timbul balik, aish...pakcik ni mcm chipsmore la pulak..sekejap ada, sekejap tak ada..

Sepanjang berkawan dengan A memang selama tempoh ni saya buat tahajjud, hajat dan istikharah..
Saya doa mohon petunjuk pada Allah..setiap hari dalam tempoh lebih kurang 2 bulan juga saya buat setiap pagi sebelum subuh (atas nasihat mak saya)
Tapi saya tak bagitahu pada A, pada mak dan ayah atau sesiapa tentang istikharah yang saya buat
Sebab saya tak tahu yang mana yang lebih baik untuk  saya..teruskan hubungan dengan A atau memohon pindah tukar balik ke tempat asal saya dalam keadaan macam ni..
Sungguh-sungguh saya mohon pada Allah supaya beri saya petunjuk..
Sebab saya memang rasa tersepit dan tak tahu nak buat keputusan..
Sikap A sekejap-sekejap ok dan mesra dengan saya, tapi sekejap-sekejap angin semacam..
Dan saya sendiri pun tak tahu apa salah saya, sebab A jenis pemendam orangnya..
Saya pulak jenis yang akan cakap terus terang bila berlaku salah faham..

Makin lama hubungan makin renggang..
Sampaila 2 bulan A senyap dan tak hubungi saya lagi..
Walaupun besar harapan keluarga nak tengok saya kahwin..tapi saya redha kali ni....i'on with it...this is fifth time already i've tried...it's not a big deal to recover back...hahahaha....
Mungkin ini petunjuk yang Allah bagi pada saya..
Saya anggap yang kami dah tak ada apa-apa..
Bila mak tanya, saya cakap kami dah lama tak contact, dah tak ada apa-apa lagi..tapi mak janganlah fikir bukan-bukan..mungkin orang ada masalah tapi kita tak tahu..(saya tak cerite pun perangai sentap pakcik chipsmore ni kat mak)
Mak terima jawapan saya..

Tiba-tiba timbul pula isu dari jiran si A cakap yang A tunggu keputusan saya..
Ada statement yang memang menghiris perasaan saya yang dicakapkan tapi saya tak nak tulis disini
(huahahaha.......at this moment of time, i was blurrrrrr.....what's happening???? I don't understand at all)
Saya anggap itu khabar angin jelah, mungkin saya yang salah dengar..
Jiran si A timbulkan isu ni pada mak saya, minta mak tanya saya..
Saya jadi lagi confuse..
Dah dua bulan kami buat hal masing-masing, tiba-tiba timbul balik..
Mak dah menggelabah
Paksa saya terima, marah-marah pada saya cakap saya memilih sangat, suka buat hal (sedih sangat masa ni bila saya dimarah oleh benda yang saya sendiri tak tahu hujung pangkalnya)

Untuk selesaikan isu ni, saya minta mak sabar sekejap
Saya cuba hubungi A, tanya dia ada bagitahu apa2 tak pada jiran dia pasal saya..
A naik rungsing dan bengang..
seolah-olah dia sendiri tak tahu apa-apa
Dia jelaskan yang dia teak pernah cerita atau bincang apa2 pasal kami pada sesiapa pun..
Saya tanya A, awak marah ke?
Dia kata nanti kita bincang, malam ni hot sikit..
Saya tanya bila?
Dia cakap esok...

Esoknya saya tunggu tapi A langsung tak hubungi atau mesej
Dan bengang sebab orang tak menepati janji
Saya jadi lagi stress
Mak pula semakin menekan untuk saya bagi keputusan..

Akhirnya saya naik marah
Saya lepaskan segala kemarahan saya dalam mesej yang saya hantar pada A 2 hari selepas itu..
Memang saya akui saya teruk sangat masa tu..
(At that moment of time, i was thinking..why on earth could i've become like this? so full of anger...full of negative feelings..Ya Allah please forgive me)
Mesej saya marah2 seolah-olah saya dah tak boleh berfikir lagi..
Saya marah sebab saya sendiri keliru apa yang berlaku
A pun naik marah bila baca mesej saya..

Saya jadi sangat2 sedih..
Kenapala aku jadi semakin pemarah ni?
Itulah yang terlintas dalam fikiran saya masa tu..
Dalam mesej yang saya hantar saya hightlighkan kesilapan si A
Saya juga cakap saya tak mampu teruskan hubungan lagi dah...(masa ni saya marah sebab saya rasa seolah-olah A mengelak dari nak selesaikan masalah bila tiap-tiap kali timbul salah faham)
Saya minta A cari orang lain..
Dan saya minta maaf salah silap saya..
Kemudian A hantar mesej berbaur marah juga pada saya..
Saya jadi down masa ni sampai rasa dah tak boleh nak bercakap lagi dah..
Sangat, sangat, sangat down.....(masa ni terfikir, apalah salah aku lagi ni?)
Beberapa kali dalam tempoh 2-3 hari selepas tu, A hantar mesej untuk bersembang
Tapi saya ignorekan..sebab saya tak boleh bercakap masa tu...
Saya perlu masa untuk tenangkan diri saya sendiri..
Dan saya takut isu ni akan jadi lebih besar dan rumit sampai menjejaskan hubungan mak dengan jirannya (makcik yang match make saya dengan A)

Memang jelas dan nyata masalah utama kami ialah komunikasi..
Ada salah faham yang tak jelas..
Saya mengaku saya sendiri pun silap sebab tak boleh kawal emosi but i've tried to discuss about it already but he is just too ego..
Tapi apa yang berlaku dah tak mampu nak diundur semula lagi dah..
Saya tak nak lagi menyakiti hati orang tak tentu pasal..
Mestila rasa diri sangat teruk..
Apatah lagi persepsi orang lain terhadap diri saya pun turut terjejas..
Lepas ni saya kena beringat, apa saja konflik berlaku saya kena BERSABAR DULU...SABAR, SABAR DAN SABAR DULU...(walaupun rasa nak luku2 orang ye,hahahaha)
CARI PUNCA MASALAH DAN BERFIKIR DULU....
BARU CARI CARA MENYELESAIKAN MASALAH...

Dan masa 4 bulan (bulan April) lepas kejadian tu, A pernah hantar sekali mesej pada saya..
Tapi saya tak balas sebab saya dah lama sangat nak bercakap dengan dia..
Tak tahu macam mana nak beri reaksi lagi..
Dan takut pun ya juga, takut timbul isu-isu yang boleh menyebabkan salah faham sekali lagi...

Pada masa yang sama, mak saya disahkan menghidap kanser payudara tahap 1-2 dan memerlukan rawatan
Oleh itu, masa itu saya isi sekali lagi permohonan pertukaran pindah  untuk proses perpindahan bulan Jun (tapi tak dapat juga)
Masa bulan Jun baru-baru ni, mak saya menjalani pembedahan untuk buang ketulan kanser pada payudara dan ayah diserang strok pada hari yang sama mak dimasukkan ke hospital..
Saya jaga mak di wad, manakala adik saya jaga ayah (adik beradik cuma 2 orang)
Masa ni saya terfikir, mungkin inilah hikmah yang Allah nak tunjukkan pada saya..
Kalau ditakdirkan saya meneruskan hubungan, pasti saya serba salah nak mohon pertukaran pindah..
Tapi ketentuan takdir kita memang tak dapat nak jangkakan..
Saya tak tahu apa akan jadi lepas ni...huwuwuwu....
Semoga Allah beri takdir yang terbaik untuk saya dan semua orang kat dunia ni...
Memang betul sangat apa yang berlaku dalam hidup kita pasti ada hikmahnya..

Dan baru-baru ni saya dengar adik perempuan si A bertunang dan si A juga bakal berkahwin tak lama lagi..
(happy for him...saya dah tak simpan perasaan marah lagi dah...i forgive myself and forgive him..)
Mula-mula dengar sedih juga, tapi A memang buat apa yang saya minta..(hihihi, he wins la, he got married first but it's okay it doesn't mean i'm a loser, i just taking some time tip toe back)
dan saya yakin walau apa pun yang berlaku
Allah dah memang tetapkan apa yang terbaik untuk hamba-hambanya..
Saya doakan moga hubungan A dengan bakal pasangannya kekal sampai bila-bila juga mohon Allah tabahkan hati saya bila terima kad kahwin si A nanti (congrats A...aka pakcik chipsmore...janganlah rasa down atau sedih atau sewaktu dengannya)
Dan saya, hujung tahun ini akan sekali lagi isi permohonan pertukaran balik ke tempat asal saya..
(for at least there's no need to travel for 2 and a half hours anymore to go back to kampung, also save money for toll and petrol to, and that money can be used for vacationnnnnnn..best,best, best)
Kali ni dengan surat sokongan doktor yang mengesahkan penyakit ibu bapa saya..
Saya tak pasti adakah permohonan kali ke-7 ni akan lulus atau tidak, tapi apa pun yang berlaku saya akan terima dengan redha dan sabar..

Jadi tak semestinya orang yang belum kahwin tu tak pernah berusaha untuk mencari jodoh..tapi Allah ada perancangan lain yang lebih baik untuk hamba-hambanya..Kita tak akan tahu apa yang akan berlaku..
Memang kita merancang, tapi Allah adalah sebaik-baik perancang..
Oleh itu, apa pun yang berlaku kita kena terima sebagai satu pengalaman dan ketentuan dari Allah..

Saya pernah bagitahu pada mak sebab mak risau saya tak kahwin-kahwin
Saya cakap " Akak dah berusaha, akak bukan tak pernah fikir..akak pun fikir soal jodoh ni macam orang lain tapi akak dah tak tahu nak buat macam mana, makin lama makin susah pula jadinya..Ada jodoh atau tak ada jodoh akak redha"

But I believe that Allah will settle this matter of jodoh for me...Allah will open my heart..I will just let my soul finds its mate...when the soul finds it's true mate..no matter what, soul and mate will stay together and forever... (how sweetttttttt)

Saya nampak mak usap air mata masa saya cakap macam tu..tapi tak apalah..sekurang-kurangnya saya ada disisi mak saya semasa dia mengaharung penyakit kansernya..
Sekarang ni mak masih perlu terima rawatan untuk penyakit kansernya..

Saya memang percaya jodoh itu ketentuan takdir Allah...
Kalau orang itu memang jodoh kita, macam mana terputus pun akan bersambung semula..
Tapi kalau bukan, macam mana kita usahakan pun tetap bukan milik kita..
Pengalaman banyak mengajar saya menjadi lebih matang..
Malah saya harap pengalaman juga akan membuatkan saya jadi lebih penyabar..
In Shaa Allah...


Dan saya bersyukur, dalam keadaan macam mana pun Allah tetap murahkan rezeki saya
Rawatan mak saya tak perlu risau langsung pasal duit walaupun ayah dah pencen sebab boleh guna GL untuk cover kos rawatan
Kerja saya juga tak ada masalah sangat, kalau ada pun kecil ja dan mampu diatasi, alhamdullillah
Kebanyakan masa dalam hidup saya, saya tetap gembira dan positif..
Malah kawan-kawan sekerja juga kebanyakkannya baik-baik belaka
Dan tidur saya tetap lena sepanjang malam
Hati saya tenang, emosi saya stabil
Rezeki makin bertambah dan tak pernah sesak duit..kalau duit keluar i'allah ada je yang masuk balik
(I believe in tithe, the more you give, the more you get back..the more consistent, the better)
Berat badan saya turun sebab saya memang nak turunkan berat badan untuk capai BMI stabil sejak jan 2012 lagi dan sekarang tetap turun walaupun saya tak fikir sangat dah pasal diet
Saya cuma cuba kawal makan saja...
(I've lost 12kg already since the beginning of the program, and I believe I will keep on losing some more)
Masa saya sedih pasal mak kena kanser, saya luah perasaan pada kawan sekerja dan kawan-kawan memang bagi semangat yang positif
Dalam tempoh beberapa tahun saya bekerja (less than 5 years), bos percaya dan bagi APC tahun lepas walaupun saya tak pernah terniat bekerja untuk dapat APC..(walaupun APC gov  ni takla sebanyak mana ganjarannya, tapi saya bersyukur sebab ini tanda penghargaan bos atas kerja saya)
So saya nampak rahmat Allah disitu buat saya...alhamdulillah.....

Life is a box of chocolate, you never know what you will get until you get it...
So choose to rejoice is better.......

Pengalaman Keempat...

Pengalaman keempat saya, dalam cubaan berusaha mencari jodoh  yang baik..
Tapi memang bukan rezeki saya juga...

Kali ni saya berkenalan dengan seorang lelaki Y namanya melalui seorang kakak kedai kosmetik yang selalu saya kunjungi..
Y anak saudara kakak ni dan saya pun tak menyangka langsung nak berkenalan dengan Y..
Kakak ni minta no telefon saya untuk diberikan pada Y, katanya nak berkenalan..

Mula-mula kenal Y saya cuba anggap Y kawan biasa..
Kami kenal melalui telefon sahaja, saya sendiri tak pernah jumpa atau tengok langsung rupa Y..
Saya tak ingat berapa lama saya berkawan dengan Y..
Y memang peramah orangnya walaupun tak pernah bersua muka..
Memang saya tak sangka yang Y boleh seperamah itu..

Y orangnya sederhana, jaga solat, walaupun tak berpendidikan tinggi..
Jurang perbezaan pendidikan antara saya dan Y sangat jauh
Saya akui saya selfish sebab memikirkan jurang tu sebagai satu halangan
Tapi saya cuba teruskan juga hubungan dengan harapan saya akan berubah fikiran
Hubungan Y dan saya pun hubungan jarak jauh jugak
Saya tinggal di P, manakala Y di K..
Y anak bongsu daripada 3 beradik dan dia tinggal dengan mak dan anak sedara dalam satu rumah..
Dia pernah bagitau yang anak sedaranya menghidap anemia..

Y kalau sekali telefon menjangkau 40 minit lamanya..
Dan kebanyakan masanya dia yang akan bercakap dan bercerita..
Selalunya saya yang risau takut Y habiskan kredit terlalu banyak untuk call saya..

Semasa berkawan dengan Y, saya ada bagitau pada mak saya berkawan dengan Y
Mak jadi risau dan bagitahu pada bapa sedara yang tinggal dekat dengan rumah Y
Bapa sedara saya ni jenis protective sikit, so dia pergi tanya pasal Y pada orang kedai runcit dekat rumah Y

Dan jawapannya sangat mendukacitakan..
Orang tu bagi feedback yang negatif pasal Y..
Mak jadi risau, dia bagitau pada saya apa yang orang tu cakap tapi kali ni mak tak menghalang hubungan saya dan Y
Cuma saya jadik sangat2 konfuse..
Kenapa setiap kali saya kawan dengan orang, mesti ada cerita negatif yang timbul pasal perbadi orang tu..
Saya jadi keliru nak teruskan hubungan tapi saya tetap layan Y seperti biasa..

Dalam tempo beberapa bulan saya berkawan, tiba-tiba Y tersilap hantar mesej perempuan lain pada saya..
Tapi yang hairannya saya tak rasa marah atau cemburu (mungkin sebab perasaan saya pada Y belum mendalam)
Saya forward semula mesej tu pada Y, bagitahu dia silap hantar mesej orang lain pada saya..dan mintak Y send semula pada orang tu..
Y cepat2 call saya, dia minta maaf..memang sungguh2 dia minta maaf..
Cakap kawan dia guna handfon dia untuk hantar mesej pada gilfriend dia..
Saya tak pasti nak percaya atau tak..
Tapi saya tetap teruskan hubungan macam biasa..
Dan akhirnya lagi sekali Y tersilap hantar mesej perempuan yang sama pada saya..
Tapi kali ni saya tak forwardkan mesej tu pada Y..
Saya buat biasa saja...seolah-olah tiada apa yang berlaku..
Tapi saya tak rasa marah atau sedih pun masa kali kedua Y tersilap hantar mesej perempuan lain pada saya..
Masa ni saya sedar, saya tiada perasaan pada Y

Tapi akhirnya hubungan saya dan Y putus juga..
Saya cakap saya nak putuskan hubungan ni sebab saya rasa hubungan ni tak akan kemana..
Y macam sangat sedih, dia cakap dia dah bagitahu keluarga pasal hubungan kami..
Saya memang tak boleh tipu diri sendiri, saya tiada perasaan pada Y..
Sebab tu saya minta putus agar boleh beri laluan pada hubungan dia dengan Ina, perempuan yang dua kali Y tersilap hantar mesejnya pada saya..
Dan selepas saya minta putus, untuk kali ketiga Y hantar mesejnya pada Ina ke phone saya...dan saya redha...

Pengalaman Ketiga...

Pengalaman ketiga ni bukan bercinta atau berkawan...

Tapi kena match make dengan orang...hahahaha...
Dan diaorang memang memandai-mandai match make kan kitaorang walaupun saya masa tu blur2 apa yang nak jadi..
Tapi memang pengalaman ni memang pernah buat saya rasa nak luruh jantung sebab terkejut...hahahaha...

Kali ni namanya H, seorang pegawai polis baru 3 bulan bekerja di Ipoh...
Saya pulak masa tu dah 3 tahun tinggal kat Ipoh...

Kesnya kali ni, mak ayahnya memang sangat beria nak cari calon menantu cepat2...
Anaknya pulak memang sporting, mengikut jer..tak kisah pilihan mak katanya sebab katanya dia sayang kat mak dia, so siapa pun mak dia pilih dia tak kisah (memang ni pun anak emak macam si S, cuma kes si S mak cari no fon bagi suruh S berkenalan sendiri....hahahaha...)

Masa ni saya tak bersedia langsung, saya dah cakap dengan mak saya tak nak tapi tiba-tiba mak dengan ayah saya deal macam mana entah dengan mak bapak si H ni terus mak bapak dia datang rumah masa raya cina...

Saya dalam keadaan cuak2 tu pun tak dapat dah nak buat apa..melainkan bersabar je la.....
So mak bapaknya datangla..saya pun pasrah je la...redhooo......

lebih kurang seminggu lepas tu, hari khamis tak silap saya, esoknya jumaat ada sukan sekolah (masa tu sukan bulan 2)

Ayah si H tiba-tiba contact saya...masa tu saya baru lepas siapkan khemah hari sukan dengan 2 orang kawan dan kami di Jusco selepas tu (dalam pukul 6.30 ptg lebih kurang) untuk makan..
Teringin nak makan Mc D..
Selepas tu 2 orang kawan saya pergi solat maghrib, tinggallah saya yang ABC masa tu sorang2 membelek-belek buku dalam kedai buku Popular...

Kemudian kawan saya datang belek2 buku jugak Popular, masa tu tiba2 saya dapat panggilan telefon daripada ayah si H..katanya nak jumpa saya di Ipoh..

Memang cuak dan terkezutla..tak sangka kan..tapi mula2 ingat ayahnya nak jumpa esok rupa-rupanya nak jumpa malam tu jugak..lagila terkezut...
Saya cakap malam tu saya bukan kat rumah tapi kat Jusco dengan dua orang kawan, terus ayah si H cakap..takpe, pakcik pergi Jusco, jumpa kat Jusco..terus saya lagi terkezut (hahahahaha, teruk betul kan) tapi saya jawab ok pakcik..

Letak-letak je telefon air mata terus berderai laju...huhuhu..air mata terkejut punya pasal...kawan2 saya yang dua orang tu bukan nak tenangkan tapi siap cakap "Ish, apa nangis2 ni..dah2 malu orang tengok" (hihihihihi)

Tapi jumpala jugak malam tu, rupa-rupanya ayah si H dan maknya bawak si H datang nak berkenalan..
Punyala si H ni tak kekok langsung...ramah tamah orangnya, tinggi, berisi sikit dan gelap sikit orangnya...

Akhirnya pukul 11 malam baru saya dan kawan-kawan sampai rumah malam tu...itupun terpaksa menolak ajakan ayah dan mak si H untuk pergi kedai makan sebab esok nak kerja...

Lepas tu adalah si H ni mesej saya untuk berkenalan..tapi sayangnya, saya macam sangat2 tak ade mood nak layan...tak tahula kenapa...saya solat istikharah juga beberapa kali minta dibukakan pintu hati...kalau betul ini jodoh saya, Ya Allah kau bukakanlah pintu hati aku untuk terima si H ni..

Tapi selepas tu, saya tetap rasa malas sangat nak balas mesej si H ni walaupun dia cuba nak kenal lebih rapat lagi...
Sampai si H perasan dan tanya saya balik."Awak tak suka ke saya mesej awak ni, macam tak suka je?" Dan saya cakap "Takla, saya cuma penat je"

Kesian kan..tapi masa tu saya betul2 rasa berat nak balas mesej..saya balas sebab nak jaga hati tapi dalam masa yang sama si H seolah-olah dapat rasa yang saya seolah saya tak suka bermesej dengan dia...
Sampaila satu hari si H minta nak jumpa, saya delaykan..kemudian si H minta lagi sekali dan sebab saya kesian si H minta bersungguh-sungguh nak jumpa..saya pun jumpala si H ni...

Dalam pada tu rupa-rupanya mak si H dah dua kali bertandang ke rumah mak saya siap bawak pelbagai bekal makanan lagi..sebab nak tahu apa keputusan saya..sampai maksaya pun naik rungsing apa nak jawab..

Masa jumpa si H, saya cakap saya nak pergi pasar malam cari barang..jadi si H pun bawakla ke pasar malam..kemudian saya ingat lagi dia beli satay (dia suka makan satay, sama favourite macam saya)
Kemudian kami pergi ke satu kedai makan yang agak jauh dari tempat tinggal saya (atas permintaan saya) dan bersembang..
Saya tak makan sebab saya dah kenyang..saya cuma temankan dia makan ja..dan saya memang bersalah masa ni sebab tak pay attention sangat dekat dia..saya cuma dok tengok tv sambil sembang-sembang dengan dia masa tu...

Dia memang nampak ikhlas, semua kisah hidup dia dia cerita tanpa segan silu..saya tanya dia "awak tak kisah ke kahwin pilihan mak awak?"
Dan dia cakap "Saya tak kisah sebab saya sayang mak saya" (Masa tu kami baru kenal seminggu)
Itulah jawapan dia yang saya ingat sampaila sekarang...memang dia betul2 anak mak yang baik....
Saya je yang teruk kan? huhuhu......
Dan satu lagi soalan saya tanya dia "Awak baru 3 bulan kerja, kalau awak nak kawin ada duit tak?" (soalan financial planning nih, hihihi)
Dan masa tu cara dia cakap seolah-olah nak buat pinjaman bank...hihihi..standardla kan..ramai orang buat macam ni masa tak ada duit nak kawin kan...

Lepas tu saya balik, saya fikir, fikir, fikir,fikir,fikir dan fikir......tapi entahla hati saya macam betul2 tertutup..saya rasa serabut sangat, dan tak tahu apa yang patut saya buat sampaikan kerja saya pun tunggang langgang jadinya...Masa tu kena buat data sikit, habis salah2 data tu saya key in dalam program excel..sampai  menangis sebab nak kena buat balik semula semua data tu..(fikiran terganggu, buat kerja pun dah salah2 semuanya)
Ada dua orang kakak senior kat tempat kerja yang tegur kenapa muka saya nampak rungsing je, seolah-olah ada benda yang saya fikir tak habis2...(punyala susah hati sampai orang lain pun perasan)
Tapi saya cakap tak ada apa2 pun kak........Tak susah hati pun (padahal tipu!kihkihkih)

Duit simpanan kalau nak kahwin pun memang saya tak cukup, 3 tahun kerja kewangan saya masih belum stabil lagi (since parent masa tu tak offer pun nak sponsor duit kahwin , so kalau nak kahwin kena cari sendiri untuk beli barang2 hantaran dan persiapan baju kahwin bagai, duit hantaran biasanya pakai buat belanja kenduri)
So saya entahla macam fikir nak tapi.........nak tolak....kalau jodoh?????? kot 2 lepas ni dah tak ada orang nak macam mana??????

Keluarga si H betul-betul macam dah nak sangat2...sampaikan mak si H cakap diaorang suami isteri sanggup tanggung semua belanja kahwin pihak lelaki dan perempuan sekali...
Dua kali mak dia datang rumah tanya mak..huhuhuhu...
Mak pun sampai naik rungsing, so mak dengan ayah akhirnya datang rumah saya sebab nak tanya keputusan saya..
Diaorang nak jawapan hari tu jugak sebab mak ayah si H kalau boleh nak langsung cepat2 je...dalam tempoh dua bulan lagila..(huhuhu, masa ni meggeletar lutut plak rasa..apa? dua bulan lagi dah nak kena kahwin dengan lelaki yang saya baru kenal 2 minggu? Betul ke ni, macam percaya tak percaya)

Dan disebabkan saya rasa saya memang tak boleh nak bagi keputusan dalam masa singkat dan mak ayah si H pun macam nak sangat2 dah menantu, so saya pun akhirnya menolak..sebab memang hati saya tak terbuka langsung kat si H..rasa bersalah bila menolak risikan keluarga si H tapi saya tak tau apa nak buat dan fikir masa tu........hmmmmmmmmmm.......

Dan hubungan selama 2 minggu pun berakhirlah, si H pun tak pernah sms saya lagi selepas tu..tak pastila kenapa..mungkin kerana kecewa atau mungkin jugak kerana tak nak mengharap...
Saya pun mengharapkan si H jumpa perempuan yang terbaik dalam hidupnya sebab saya tidaklah sebaik mana pun..banyak lagi kekurangan diri yang perlu saya perbaiki masa tu...

Maafkan saya ye H...